Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Happy Junk

While searching for a wetsuit at Sports Authority for my son, Daniel, (so he won’t freeze in the Pacific Ocean during Junior Lifeguard class) I ran across those puffy-crotch-cycle-riding shorts that would make Blanche a comfier ride. I left empty handed, the pickings were slim, and they did not have the wetsuit we needed (and even if they did, they were way expensive). But since my kid is freezing without one, I was determined to find a wetsuit. Daniel told me that twice that day he had a brain freeze, his teeth were chattering, hands were bluish-purple and he had to go to the bathroom in his trunks so he could defrost his junk. This was from the kid that we call Polar Bear because he can withstand crazy cold water temps and not flinch. So for him to tell me this, he definitely needed a wetsuit.

Now I avoid the Oxnard Wal-Mart shopping center for many reasons. Mostly because crime occurs there weekly, so I am chicken. But this was for my kid and I knew Wal-Mart carried wet suits online, so off we went to this mega store that had a market, McDonalds, eye center, bank, photography studio, pharmacy and huge tire selection. This place was one gargantuan roll-back city that gave me a gargantuan headache.

Overwhelmed walking in, I went straight to the first employee, who was folding shirts in the girls department and asked, “Do you carry wetsuits?”

She smiled and looked at me, saying nothing. Hmmm. Maybe I was not clear so I said, “Where would we find wetsuits?”

Nothing. Then the broken words, “No ingles” came out of her mouth.

Oh Jeez, really? I was right. This would not be an easy Wal-Mart visit. Suffice it to say after trekking all over, they do not carry wetsuits. So we tried Sam’s Club, but they no longer carry them as we are in July and this means summer retail is over, school supplies are everywhere and Christmas decorations should be out next week. I was losing hope. In this same shopping center was another Sports Authority, so I dragged my boys, who hate shopping more than cleaning their rooms or showering, to another store.

It was here that we found a wetsuit. I paid more than I wanted, but I could not stand the thought of my kid’s junk freezing in cold beach water for the next three weeks. And, as my luck would have it, they had a much bigger selection of puffy-crotch-cycle-riding shorts and I found my size. I decided to buy them, as after a long unicycle ride it looks like I sat naked in poison ivy. I tried them out this morning and it felt like I was wearing a giant pull-up, all gel-padded, like I’ll never ever have to stop to use the bathroom. I went for a ride this morning and think I like them. Not enough to wear to work, church, or around town for fun, but whenever I ride Blanche, I am wearing my new diaper.

A warm wetsuit. Gel-filled-puffy-crotch-cycle riding shorts. Now, everyone’s junk will be much happier.

5 comments:

The Redhead Riter said...

You're hilarious. Enjoy your diaper LOL

♥ Sarah @ FFP ♥ said...

the phrase 'puffy-crotch-cycle-riding shorts' gives me the willies and yeah the walmart here is pretty terrible too.

Cheeseboy said...

I am actually surprised you found someone at Sam’s Club that spoke English.

I think there is a wet suit lesson to be learned here, but I am not sure what it is yet.

liz said...

Craig wears puffy-butted cycling shorts, and has for years. :)

By Word of Mouth said...

I thought you were talking about a balance in your life ... not literally riding a unicycle :)
WOW, good for you, I would be dead by now!
http://bywordofmouthmusingsandmemoirs.blogspot.com/