Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Eunice's Audition, Part Two

Hmmm. Now, where were we?

Nervously, I rolled Eunice into the long narrow room filled with plain seats and old white walls. I signed in. I assessed this place to be a borderline dump. I surveyed the room full of six other people….. A red-headed bombshell, with bright-pink lips showing mucho cleavage, skin tight spandex and wearing roller blades. Eunice and I sat in the corner waiting for Overboard to park the car and come fill the role of pushy stage-mom. Eunice was the only unicycle in the room and I was puzzled. There were two smaller guys down from me there to audition for “the boxer” part. They looked nothing like Sylvester Stallone or George Foremen. Down from them was a midget that I recognized from movies. I swear he was an oompa- loompa. Across from him? A plain Asian girl in a green top.

The room was quiet and still until Russia (that was her name), the Buxom Tart, asked about Eunice. We started to chat about unicycles; she said she had just learned to ride. I mentioned I was hoping to buy a 24” cycle soon because they are better flatland cruisers and that is what I like to do. She asked if I was interested in selling Eunice.

“Are you kidding me tits? I mean toots?” blurted out in my head as I politely answered, “Oh, no.”

Next the administrative lady with the long blond hair asked for my scan number. Huh? Next thing I know I was at the computer keyboard putting in my 411 … shoe size, suit size, height and weight. I fibbed by five. Who doesn’t? Then she took my mug shot and presto, I had a scan number. I can proudly say that I am officially just another number.

The Casting Director with the knit Rasta beret and long curly locks that draped beyond his shoulders frantically came in and out, taking one group at a time; gripping a big T.V video camera in hand. During this time Overboard and I chatted with folks around us for what felt like forever (an hour-and-a-half).
I asked the extremely kind administrative lady how many would be auditioning for the unicycle rider part. She paused, perused her clipboard and answered, “Three.”

Yes, three. As in, Stooges and Amigos.

Much better odds than I anticipated! When Rasta Director was rounding all three of us up, it was determined that my Eunice was the only unicycle. The other two said their agent never mentioned bringing one. At that moment, I loved my new BFF, Debbie at Maveric Artist Agency.  The Director asked if I would be willing to share mine.

"Well sure, but I would like to go first" I said (it is custom set for Unicycle Rose and I don’t want anyone messin with my game). Overboard leaned into my ear, like the perfect stage mom, and whispered, “You don’t have to let them use it. Then you will definitely get the part.”

She's a crafty one. I giggled as I patted her leg and told her I couldn’t do that. The Director was appreciative (it’s always wise to sprinkle good karma around). It was our turn to leave the room with the Casting Director. The Buxom Tart,  Asian Lady, Rasta Director and I headed through the hallway down the back staircase into the parking lot. There I handed him a folded up paper that will be explained in a separate post. I was ready to hop on, but he said we were filiming in the alley. I was holding Vitamin Water (really for balance and concentration) and he told me I could put it down because it would not help me get the part. I reluctantly set it down like a toddler releasing his favorite blankey. Holding something helps me balance, really! Next, the Rasta Director set me up against the wall and asked me a few questions with a camera in my face.

“How long have you been riding?”
“I received my first unicycle for Christmas when I was ten” (BTW, I never asked for one.)
“Can you juggle?” he asked while looking through the lens. (What, are you kidding; I can barely make sharp turns). I smiled and said no.
That was that.

I stepped up onto Eunice and away we went down the filthy narrow alley way. Then, while filming, the Director with the grey curls yelled, “Now turn around.”

Eeeks! I am used to turning around in my large suburban culd-de-sac; I just can’t whip out the one-eighty. I did my best, but became more nervous. I fell off. I could not get back on. Under pressure... stay calm……He was extremely kind and cool. At last I was rolling again, all was good. Overall I did the best I could for the circumstances.

Next, the Asian girl adjusted Eunice to her height (that felt wrong) and she had to hang on to the trash can to get started. Once going, she did fine. Last, the Buxom Tart attempted to hop on while holding on to the wall. Clearly, she did not know how to ride a unicycle. At. All. Not one bit. Zip. Nada. She never stopped hugging the wall. Did I feel bad for her? Nah. It was clear her strengths lie in other areas.

So, it looks like Unicycle Rose or Asian Girl will get the Vitamin Water commercial part. I should know in a couple days. If I hear nothing (isn’t that an oxymoron?) it was not meant to be. I don’t know what will happen, but I am positive of one thing. I am sooooo not a big-city girl. Los Angeles makes me crazy.

Keep your fingers crossed and only buy Vitamin Water if I get the part!


Kari said...

Even though I had already heard that story it was even funnier the second time! Good luck Unicycle Rose. My vote is on YOU!

meanest mom on the block said...

Between your imminent fame with Vitamin Water and my girlfriend's success in turning short stories into a book into a movie, I see nothing but prosperity and celebrity in our futures. However, mine will probably be winding up as subject matter for Dateline soon.

liz said...

I love hearing this story. I really hope you get it. I never could have told those others they couldn't use it, either. You are right about spreading good karma. :)

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